Beware those who have stumbled here:  Self-indulgent rant ahead. I beg you, forgive me now, and don’t actually read this. I’ve started and I can’t stop!

I know I’m not particularly smart, though I’ve always wanted to be.  It comes from living in a small town and going to a small school where all it took to look “smart” was finishing your homework. Not that there weren’t smart people there, but it was still small enough that I could get away with never really making much of an effort at anything beyond what I wanted to do–specifically reading.  I simply didn’t do anything. Or at least it feels that way now.  Admittedly my memories of that time of my life have faded remarkably in only three years

So I suppose I can claim I’m scarred for life from the experience because I can’t stand getting anything less than A’s, a grade level I really can’t keep up, and yet still can’t learn efficient study habits. Mostly I’m deliberately stupid, kbecause I can’t care enough. I really can’t. For one thing, I can’t believe I’m really going to post this when I don’t really believe any of it, though the facts are straightforward enough.

No, I did not get enough sleep last night because I like to punish myself in strange, self-destructive ways (that are really ineffective at teaching me anything) but do I have to actually get sick, too? That’s not fair is it? Really? Well, yes, it is. You’d think I’d learn. Every time this semester (the only time I’ve actually done this) that I’ve gotten less than four hours of sleep (well, last night only makes the second time), I’ve gotten sick (again, twice). Will I learn after this?

And I’ve always had trouble getting sick. It feels so irresponsible. So now I’m feeling sorry for myself.

Depends on how well I do next semester, really.  I have high hopes. There will be someone else in my apartment, so I won’t be able to hide away like I’ve done this semester.  Really, I just need someone else’s expectations, really. Again, on my own I don’t bother anyone, but if there is someone else who will have trouble with my bad habits, I can handle it. Sad, I know. But if I can’t live alone, at least I’m a pretty good roommate. Or I haven’t had anyone completely freak out on me.  At the very least I guess I’m fairly inoffensive. I hibernate. It probably helps.

Proves I’m weird, but since I am with or without proof, I suppose it doesn’t really matter.


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